Changes in attitude
I ran into a friend of mine outside a bar on Friday night. He and his boyfriend of two years broke up around the same time that I and mine did. He looked like he was handling it okay, but said something about how the smile on the outside was hiding all the heartbreak on the inside, and that he didn't know how he'd cope after being dumped by his one true love. (I'm paraphrasing; it was a Friday night after all, and a couple of glasses of wine don't help my usually pretty accurate memory for what people say to me.) I gave him a big hug and went on inside to join a friend.
My first reaction was "Jesus, how fucking pathetic can you get?" His feeling sorry for himself certainly killed any interest on my part in sticking around for more. It wasn't until the next day that the thought occurred to me that plenty of people were thinking the same thing about me. Oh well! I'll just have to keep trying to be extra charming to everybody nowadays to make up for it.
I've actually been feeling pretty good for the most part lately. I've been seeing a bit of the Viking lately (not in a dating context, lord no, just out socially) and I'm not a quivering mess around him any more. Almost. I do, however, find myself editing what I say around him, in an effort (largely unsuccessful, I'm sure) to show him that I'm not a freak. I think that I just end up sounding awkward. But then, my greatest fear in life is that I am judged and found to be uncool. Baby steps.
Still, I haven't gotten laid since him. Sigh. Haven't really been looking. Had a couple of offers this weekend, but not from large blond men, and I am determined to keep running with my perverse blond fixation for now. My sex drive is still pretty much zero these days, so I might as well remain picky rather than just give it up to the first (okay, fifth) person who asks.
Over the last several days, I have noticed that my general happiness and well-being has changed somehow. I still felt good, just...differently good. It took me a while, but I figured out what it was. As freaked out as I am about the upcoming move, I feel "liberated." I remember, now, what fun I had as a single boy, and I hope that I can recapture that. I am ready to take on whatever life throws at me, particularly if it's tall and blond.
In the past, whenever I've had to deal with momentous change, willingly or unwillingly, I've always ultimately managed to make the best of it and embrace what's to come with an open and ready heart. Moving from my hometown to Washington back in 1990, my first major breakup in 1997, moving to L.A. in 2002....so far everything has worked out well enough for me. Keep your fingers crossed.
Weight: 175 (due mostly to a glut of champagne and cake yesterday, no doubt)
My first reaction was "Jesus, how fucking pathetic can you get?" His feeling sorry for himself certainly killed any interest on my part in sticking around for more. It wasn't until the next day that the thought occurred to me that plenty of people were thinking the same thing about me. Oh well! I'll just have to keep trying to be extra charming to everybody nowadays to make up for it.
I've actually been feeling pretty good for the most part lately. I've been seeing a bit of the Viking lately (not in a dating context, lord no, just out socially) and I'm not a quivering mess around him any more. Almost. I do, however, find myself editing what I say around him, in an effort (largely unsuccessful, I'm sure) to show him that I'm not a freak. I think that I just end up sounding awkward. But then, my greatest fear in life is that I am judged and found to be uncool. Baby steps.
Still, I haven't gotten laid since him. Sigh. Haven't really been looking. Had a couple of offers this weekend, but not from large blond men, and I am determined to keep running with my perverse blond fixation for now. My sex drive is still pretty much zero these days, so I might as well remain picky rather than just give it up to the first (okay, fifth) person who asks.
Over the last several days, I have noticed that my general happiness and well-being has changed somehow. I still felt good, just...differently good. It took me a while, but I figured out what it was. As freaked out as I am about the upcoming move, I feel "liberated." I remember, now, what fun I had as a single boy, and I hope that I can recapture that. I am ready to take on whatever life throws at me, particularly if it's tall and blond.
In the past, whenever I've had to deal with momentous change, willingly or unwillingly, I've always ultimately managed to make the best of it and embrace what's to come with an open and ready heart. Moving from my hometown to Washington back in 1990, my first major breakup in 1997, moving to L.A. in 2002....so far everything has worked out well enough for me. Keep your fingers crossed.
Weight: 175 (due mostly to a glut of champagne and cake yesterday, no doubt)
posted by M. at 4:54 PM
1 Comments:
Nothing feels as good as a fresh start. It's like walking into a house and smelling Tollhouse cookies baking. Mmmm....
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