Meltdown
I’ll admit that I’m pretty much a happy boy these days. But yes, there are still times when my moody, prone-to-depression side reemerges, and it’s weird how odd things are that trigger it.
Last night, I decided to spend the night at my own place, alone, without the New Viking. Other than Christmas, we’ve pretty much been spending every night together for a couple of weeks now. It was a cold, drizzly evening, and I hadn’t slept well the previous night. The prospect of curling up in my flannel sheets and down comforter with a good book and a plateful of cookies (leftover from Christmas) was enormously appealing.
Wearing my flannel pajama bottoms and a t-shirt, I wrote out checks for my share of the gas and cable bills before heading back upstairs. It occurred to me that it seemed a shame for me to pay for cable that I never watched. Although I had connected my television and cable box right after moving into the new place, I hadn’t connected my TiVo or DVD player yet, even though I had moved into the place in mid-November. So I decided to take a crack at it.
The manuals for the TiVo and DVD player were still packed away somewhere unfindable. My whole system is set up in an armoire with practically no access from the back. I had no idea where to even start the process. I was able to get my prerecorded programs from TiVo to play on the television, but it wasn’t recognizing my cable box. When I reprogrammed it to account for the change in zip code and cable company, I didn’t have the exact cable lineup information I needed so I took a (wrong) guess that couldn’t be fixed. When it made the phone connection, it failed mid-call SEVEN TIMES. This could only end in tears. I unplugged the whole thing and shut the armoire doors.
Long story short, I had a mini-meltdown. (Not that any onlooker would have noticed; my meltdowns are all internal and mostly dignified.) But a spiraling inner monologue began: how close we are to complete failure at any given moment, how the tiniest bit of bad luck can escalate into disaster, how one wrong turn in life could lead to me being out on the street, penniless and unwanted, my worst nightmare. I went to bed and pulled the covers over my head in despair. The blasting winds sent trash blowing noisily through the alley behind my bedroom window, taunting me with the prospect of becoming a piece of human trash, the refuse of society. Sleep did not come easily to me.
Last night, I decided to spend the night at my own place, alone, without the New Viking. Other than Christmas, we’ve pretty much been spending every night together for a couple of weeks now. It was a cold, drizzly evening, and I hadn’t slept well the previous night. The prospect of curling up in my flannel sheets and down comforter with a good book and a plateful of cookies (leftover from Christmas) was enormously appealing.
Wearing my flannel pajama bottoms and a t-shirt, I wrote out checks for my share of the gas and cable bills before heading back upstairs. It occurred to me that it seemed a shame for me to pay for cable that I never watched. Although I had connected my television and cable box right after moving into the new place, I hadn’t connected my TiVo or DVD player yet, even though I had moved into the place in mid-November. So I decided to take a crack at it.
The manuals for the TiVo and DVD player were still packed away somewhere unfindable. My whole system is set up in an armoire with practically no access from the back. I had no idea where to even start the process. I was able to get my prerecorded programs from TiVo to play on the television, but it wasn’t recognizing my cable box. When I reprogrammed it to account for the change in zip code and cable company, I didn’t have the exact cable lineup information I needed so I took a (wrong) guess that couldn’t be fixed. When it made the phone connection, it failed mid-call SEVEN TIMES. This could only end in tears. I unplugged the whole thing and shut the armoire doors.
Long story short, I had a mini-meltdown. (Not that any onlooker would have noticed; my meltdowns are all internal and mostly dignified.) But a spiraling inner monologue began: how close we are to complete failure at any given moment, how the tiniest bit of bad luck can escalate into disaster, how one wrong turn in life could lead to me being out on the street, penniless and unwanted, my worst nightmare. I went to bed and pulled the covers over my head in despair. The blasting winds sent trash blowing noisily through the alley behind my bedroom window, taunting me with the prospect of becoming a piece of human trash, the refuse of society. Sleep did not come easily to me.
posted by M. at 3:32 PM
2 Comments:
It seems like the more electronics we get, the more difficult life becomes. I never try to do that when I'm in a good mood. That's the kind of the thing you invite the New Viking to come over and do for you while you make dinner.
It seems like I'm being tested, too. I think Jeff and I had an argument tonight, and I think it was my fault--I'm told it usually is. I typically deal with demanding that the Lord damn a number of things, and then drove to Kroger for a frozen pizza and some ice cream. Now I feel fat, but calm.
Yeah i know the feeling a bit i start to work on something and if it goes wrong i'm not a happy camper. lol
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